Is There a Supplement for That… Again???

I have said I’m done with interventions emotionally, physically and financially. Then Thursday I ordered all the supplements Kaptain and I took prior to egg retrieval. I don’t know that the supplements did anything but at the time it made us feel like we had some control over something. I had called my new insurance to figure out their infertility coverage and discovered my new doctor is covered and I have a $25,000 lifetime benefit that covers treatments and medications through BCBS of Minnesota. Something about that made me feel like it was silly not to start the supplements immediately just in case we were recommended further treatment when my biopsy results were received in a couple months. 

Then 4 hours later I got the call that my biopsy results were back and I needed to come in for a consultation regarding them. What. The. Hell.  They offered me the 13th which would be 4 days from then but I asked for the 20th. I just couldn’t deal with it being so soon. I got overwhelmed super quick. They said the test results would take 6-8 weeks and it was 2 weeks to the day. I wasn’t prepared for that quick of a turnaround. I was planning on losing some weight, having a month or two to get my head around possible outcomes, etc. Instead I will know in 8 days what comes next.
If my new doctor recommends a round of IVF at his clinic, I almost want to say yes. But then I remember all 6 of our embryos failed to implant. 4 donor embryos failed to implant. Plus, even though we hit our out of pocket max on insurance every year, it’s currently January. We have paid of $0 of our $3,000 deductible, $0 of our $9,000 family maximum out of pocket expense. That means we’d have to put it on a credit card and pay it off over the course of the year. Possibly with no child to show for it. But then what if it worked? What if it was just our previous doctor/clinic that were the problem?
And of course all this hinges on the results of the biopsy. If I tested negatively for HHV-6, then this is all pointless conjuncture anyway. Then there would be no reason to think about any of this as we will not be using a gestational carrier and the new RE was not optimistic about further treatment unless HHV-6 was involved. 
I don’t know. We spent an hour or two talking about all of it yesterday morning. Kap would be ready to go into an IVF cycle immediately because he has so little faith in our previous RE. I get frustrated with him because none of this is that clear cut for me. I can see the up and down sides no matter what. None of this ever feels like simple decisions to me. I wish I could be so caviler about it all but I can’t. So instead I obsess. I think about all the various outcomes, how it could go wrong or go right, the financial impact, putting my body through even more crap. It’s just a lot. Then I think about adopting from foster care. I’ve wanted to do that before any of this ever began. But these days it’s really challenging. Texas privatized foster care so it isn’t as simple as getting licensed through the state. Instead we have to find an agency we like and do everything through them. And depending on the agency, the experience with the system will vary radically. That sounds like so much pressure. So that’s where I’m at on that front. 
And if we did do a round of IVF through the new clinic, that means I’d basically need to live in DFW for a couple weeks. Luckily I have a job that could afford me that flexibility since those could be office weeks. Still, being away from home for such a long time is challenging. Especially when going through medical stuff. I know lots of people do it but that doesn’t make it any easier. Thinking about last time, I really had everything set up for my comfort. Even the day of retrieval, the world was revolving around me. If I was staying in DFW at an Air B&B or even my sister’s, I would need to be more self-sufficient. 
And all of this is also making the assumption my doctor thinks we have a shot using our DNA. We had already moved on to donor embryos at the last clinic so perhaps that is what he will feel is best as well. My AMH is .56, my FSH is 6.66 and I had 5 antral follicles during my last ultrasound. While none of these are the worst numbers ever, they also are far from ideal. At my age, my AMH should be over 1. Yes, it’s more than double what it was last time it was tested but it will always vary month to month and even doubled, it’s still below that base number of 1. My FSH is in the target range for my age which is a win. My antral follicle count, however, is about half that of a normal 39 year old. Maybe he’ll recommend donor embryos from the start if he does recommend more treatment. Who knows. 
So that’s where I’m at right now. Chugging Vitamin D milk and Royal Jelly to wash down my Omega 3s and CoQ10. If nothing else, at least I should feel healthy and strong these next 90 days. 

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